“Cause we’re so scared to find out
What this life’s all about
So scared we’re going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That’s exactly what we need”
I love it when iTunes just throws out a perfectly apropos song for the mood (and then follows it up with Nick Lachey…).
It’s most accurate to say that I’ve been pessimistic and nostalgic lately. I find myself spending significant amounts of time analyzing where I am and what I’m doing. As much as I know that I need to be absorbed into the Tech milieu, I think I’m subconsciously trying to avoid it.
I’m at home right now, and yet I haven’t slept in this room for more than three weeks. Everything is exactly as I left it with minor tweaks that drive me crazy: my desk is empty, my plant has been relocated, I don’t have my own toothpaste. In my own bedroom, I found myself wondering where home is.
After finding toothpaste, I looked around my empty bathroom and noticed the scratch in the counter, the stain on the wall, and the spot where I squashed a bug. I had a distinct flashback to the first night I spent in this room only three years ago. I woke up at 5:45 having to go to school only hours after being dropped into this new environment. I remember groping for the light switch and being startled by the fresh green walls. I adapted and grew into this space — no, my place — so quickly that it was startling.
Now, as I struggle to admit and accept that my home has changed again, I’m not sure that I want to make Tech my “home” for the next couple of years. I wonder if I’m suffering from simple college rejection or if I should be somewhere else. And the fact of the matter is that I’ll never have the chance to find out.